Post-Election Defection
Melissa Balmain

(h/t to G.K. Chesterton’s “A Ballade of Suicide”)

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The list of friends who plan to move away
Has doubled—no, quadrupled—in a week.
I grab a map and smile: today’s the day
To plot my own escape to someplace chic!
But just as I start shopping (Martinique?
A Swedish wood? A port in Uruguay?)
It hits me: though our future may look bleak,
I think, for now, I probably should stay.

As rights dissolve and ecosystems fray,
I’m psyched about the shifts in my physique:
Already, my once-slumping vertebrae
Are anxiously alert! My chubby cheek
Has shrunk from loss of appetite! What clique
Of aging supermodels wouldn’t say
I’m just the sort of BFF they seek?
I think they’d all agree that I should stay.

Besides, last chances call, from gulf to bay!
I still might spot an aspen on Pikes Peak,
A whale off Juneau, or a pinyon jay
In Albuquerque with an uncharred beak!
Along a sylvan stream or coastal creek
I’ll maybe see a schoolgirl fish or play,
Not Google “home abortion, best technique.”
I think it’s possible that I should stay.

Memo to self: I know you’re on a streak
Of finding silver linings, come what may—
But think of it… a village… Swiss or Greek!
Surely some other, braver folks can stay?

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First published in The American Bystander, Winter 2025​

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Melissa’s notes: ​​“’Post-Election Defection’ first appeared in January 2025. If I were writing it now, I might base stanza #3 on outrages more in the news—but of course those, too, would quickly fall off the front page. So it goes with satire. All of which is to say that I think of this parody—like many pieces inspired by current events—as a blob of paint in the collective portrait of our times.“

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Melissa Balmain edits Light, North America’s longest-running journal of comic verse. Her latest book of poetry is Satan Talks to His Therapist (Paul Dry Books). melissabalmain.com

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