Season's Tweetings
Melissa Balmain

to the tune of “I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day“

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I heard the buzz on Christmas Day—

A storm on X was underway.

Alarmed and peeved, our prez believed

He had important things to say:

 

Don’t hesitate! Don’t think! Don’t pause!

The time has come for major laws

To regulate a guy I hate:

The loser known as Santa Claus.

 

He manufactures and exports

Dolls, teddy bears and cocoa—quarts—

Untaxed! (Such breaks are huge mistakes

Except for mega-wealthy sorts.)

 

But wait: there’s more. I’ve heard some hints

He makes illegal “peppermints,”

Then sneaks them here inside his deer—

undocumented immigrants!

 

It’s time to fund another wall

A couple thousand miles tall

And just as deep to keep this creep

From coming to your local mall.

 

(What if he still gets in? Of course

We’ll need to take him down by force.

And then—you know, Guantánamo.

We can’t show Reindeer Man remorse.)

 

It’s true, some idiots insist

that Santa Claus does not exist,

and I’m a nut for griping—but

I want him on the No Fly List!

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Melissa’s notes: ​​“A similar version of this parody ran in Rattle in 2017. Fingers crossed that by next December it will feel way less up-to-date, as will the addendum to my ’17 version:

 

“‘Pompous notes don’t pair well with parodies, but I can’t resist mentioning that the song behind this spoof (originally a poem written by Longfellow in 1863) reflects the strangeness of Christmastime in a country at war with itself.’”

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Melissa Balmain edits Light, North America’s longest-running journal of comic verse, and teaches writing at the University of Rochester. Her latest book of poetry is Satan Talks to His Therapist (Paul Dry Books). melissabalmain.com

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​Hop to…

Andrew l David l Gail l Janet l Janice l John l Mark l Martin l Mike l Paul l Steven l Susan l Word-Bird

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